It had been about 8 weeks after my miscarriage when I noticed I hadn't started a period. Seeing as that was odd, I decided to take a pregnancy test. Once again, I went with the digital. It seemed too simple not to use. Once again, after those two long minutes, I found out I was pregnant again.
I was so scared. Was it dangerous to get pregnant so soon after a miscarriage? I did so much reading. It seemed as if there were many women who had done just this thing, and went on to have happy healthy babies. So while I was so scared, I was once again so excited.
I started doing some reading on miscarriage. While it does happen one in every four pregnancies, it is unlikely to happen again. I thought, "I'm going to be a mom this time". This one was actually going to happen.
I was so proud to announce my pregnancy once again. I told all my co-workers and friends. However, it didn't seem as if everyone shared in the excitement the way I had. I kept picking up these vibes from those we told. It was if they wanted to share in the excitement, but were fearful because we got pregnant again so soon.
While everyone was anxious, I basked in the joy of knowing I had another shot at becoming a mom. The bonus, I wasn't bleeding this time. So to celebrate, I bought my first baby blanket. It was a white, fleece blanket, with a brown trim. At the bottom corner, it had the word "baby" in different colors, along with a little giraffe. This was going to be perfect for my new arrival, in the distant future.
However, my excitement didn't last long. The spotting returned. I called my doctor ASAP, and they got me in for an appointment right away. We walked into a different ultrasound room, than the one I had learned of my first loss.
They did the ultrasound, and started measuring the same as they had done with the last baby. The doctor began to speak:"Well, it looks as if the baby is measuring 5 weeks. Considering you did not have a period, we aren't sure how far along you should be. Our best option is to wait one week, and do another ultrasound to see if the baby is making progress. We can also test your HCG levels."
Within a couple of days I got a couple HCG blood tests. Considering I am quiet the researcher, I knew that my levels were supposed to double every 2-3 days. I was able to find a HCG calculator and put in my results. While my results did rise...they weren't doubling the way they were supposed to. However, I still hadn't lost this baby...or my hope.
A week after my first appointment, on my husband's birthday, we went back to check on the baby. I waited anxiously as they began to do the ultrasound. Then the sound of horses galloping entered my eardrums. It was the baby's heartbeat. It had a heartbeat!!! This year, I certainly won the competition for best gift. You can't beat the gift of life!
However, it wasn't but a couple days later, and the light spotting got heavier. I also started cramping. When I called the doctor, they said I had a great ultrasound a couple days earlier, and unless the spotting was red, there was nothing to worry about.
Well that was easy for them to say. I had lost a baby prior, with the same circumstances. Only this time, I had heard this baby's heartbeat. I couldn't lose it now. So I did what any rational person would do... I lied. "Yes, I am bleeding red" I told her.
I had an appointment set for an hour later. My mom took me in this time. I told her on the ride over, that I felt as if something was wrong. I didn't feel pregnant anymore. But, I kept trying to think of that baby's heartbeat and all of the information I read on miscarriage. It was unlikely to lose the baby after hearing the heartbeat. So, I kept positive thoughts.
However, those thoughts were crushed shortly thereafter. My mom stood next to me, as they did the ultrasound. It was the same ultrasound room as the first time I learned I had lost my first baby. I sat there and waited for the sound of galloping horses...but silence. There were no galloping horses, and there was no heartbeat.
My mom looked at me and said "you knew, didn't you?". I nodded my head and began to sob. Here I was again. Faced with the loss of another wanted baby. It didn't make sense to me. You have so many people who don't want their babies and abort them or never show them what love is. Here I was, wanting this child so much, and God took him or her away again. It was so unfair.
The doctor gave me the same options I had last time. I could have a D&C, use a medicine called Cytotec, or let the baby pass naturally. Considering with my last miscarriage, I lost the baby at 4 weeks, but didnt pass it until 7, I decided to go with the medicine. There was no way I could carry this baby, knowing it was gone.
Cytotec is used in labor and delivery to help open the cervix. In miscarriages, it is used to speed up the process of miscarriage. So on September 10th, around 11:00 P.M., I took the medicine. On Semeptember 11th, a little after midnight, I started to pass my second child I would never get to hold.
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