Days like these

Days like these are hard. Today is Father's Day, and my heart hurts for my husband. That is because I remember how Mother's Day felt. All you friends and family tell you, "Happy Mother's/Father's Day". However, it isn't happy.

Don't get me wrong. We both feel blessed to be the parents of what we like to believe is the most amazing little boy out there. However, our opportunity to be Eliza's parents was ripped away.

Our chance was ripped away when I was told it was safe for me to leave the hospital. It was ripped away when I went home, and she passed while I was sleeping. It was ripped away when I never heard her little heart beating anymore...and on days like these, it hurts.

There are so many questions, when you are surviving a stillbirth. What if they did give me that C-Section? What if she was born at 31 weeks? Does she know how much we wanted her? Does she know how much we cared and already loved her? Can she see how much my heart aches for her?

It's hard knowing your baby should be alive. It's hard understanding the logic behind the medical decision to leave her in, when clearly she wasn't safe. It's hard to go through Mother's/Father's Day, longing for the child you never got to parent.

So many times I look at Nolan, and remember how much Eliza resembled him when she was born. She was beautiful.

So many times I listen to the things Nolan says, and wonder if Eliza would have said the same funny things.

So many times I watch Nolan play, and like to envision her doing the same in heaven.

So many times I wipe away Nolan's tears, and wish she was here, so no one had to wipe away mine.

Days like these are hard. After family time, we will all get into the car and drive to the cemetery. We will walk to her grave site and begin to cry. We will wonder why it had to be our baby girl who was ripped away from us. Why it has to be our Mother's/Father's day that is so melancholy.

Days like these make me wish I never got pregnant. Days like these make me wish I hadn't already had my baby shower. Days like these make me wish my house was not full of her things. Days like these make me wish that I didn't have to look at her bassinet she would never sleep in, her swing she would never be swung in, her high chair she would never eat it, he stroller we would never take a stroll in, and her clothes she will never fill.

However, days like these also make me happy to be her mother, and my husband to be her father. Although her time was short, we were truly blessed with her presence. She was an amazing girl, with so much personality. She was my Eliza.